


our lips are sealed

by Nokomis



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crossover, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Team Dynamics, because obviously steve is a brooklyn boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 12:31:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11440926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nokomis/pseuds/Nokomis
Summary: When Gina started talking about how Captain America moved in next door to her, complete with a rap breakdown including the lines, "with his glorious American-made booty, it's a star-spangled thing of beauty,"  and how she was initiating a five-step plan to tap dat, the precinct just assumed that Captain America was a nickname for whatever unfortunate hottie made a real estate blunder and ended up her neighbor.





	our lips are sealed

When Gina started talking about how Captain America moved in next door to her, complete with a rap breakdown including the lines, "with his glorious American-made booty, it's a star-spangled thing of beauty," and how she was initiating a five-step plan to tap dat, the precinct just assumed that Captain America was a nickname for whatever unfortunate hottie made a real estate blunder and ended up her neighbor.

On Tuesday, Gina breezed in and said, "Step one is in the bag, bitches. Captain America is in possession of my undies."

"Please tell me you didn't break into his apartment," Amy said, because the paperwork involved with arresting Gina would be staggering and would probably fall on her because no one else would do it correctly. Amy loved paperwork, but this was _not_ the time -- Jake had just surpassed her arrest record and she had to take that bastard down.

"Of course not," Gina said, giving Amy a look of exaggerated disdain. "That's part of step four. I just happened to be doing laundry at the same time and just happened to accidentally put something red, white and lacy into the wrong dryer."

"Oh, well, that's much better," Amy said.

Jake swept by and high-fived Gina. "The ole switcheroo, huh? I tried that. Never got my sexy brown briefs back."

Amy made a face of disgust while Gina made the appropriate mourning noises for sexy brown briefs. 

"I'll give the nine-nine the four-one-one after lunch," Gina said.

*

Amy went into the break room for her mid-afternoon cup of coffee to find Gina holding court, sitting atop one of the tables and telling a rapt group of detectives about her supposed near-nooner.

"So I've been doing some careful observations and knew that Cap would be coming home for lunch, so I accidentally bumped into him in the hall, and I told him that I'd been robbed in the laundry room, that my most patriotic panties had gone MIA." Gina gestured grandly with a forkful of apple pie. 

"You are unbelievable," Rosa said blandly as she shouldered Amy out of the way to get to the hazelnut creamer first. She took the last of it, and Amy glared, but it was Rosa so she didn't register even the slightest bit of remorse.

“Well,” Gina continued unabated, “The Star-Spangled Man with an Ass lost his ability to speak full sentences in light of all this”-- she grandly gestured to her sequined wolf sweater-- “and returned the undies lickity-split.”

“Terry hates laundry mix-ups,” Terry said, “but wasn’t this dude suspicious that you knew exactly who had the undies?”

“ _Captain America_ would never be suspicious of one of his fellow Americans,” Gina said. “Besides, I made a show of going door-to-door asking everyone. There was this old bird four doors down who thought she’d taken them and gave me this pie in compensation.” Gina took a triumphant bite. “And it is damn good.”

“That pie is a lie,” Boyle told her, taking a bite of his own slice. “And there’s too much cinnamon.”

“There can _never_ be too much cinnamon,” Gina said, jabbing her fork in his direction. “And the lie-pie was clearly fated, because I was holding it when Cap brought my unmentionables out of his apartment, so he had to come into mine to drop them off.”

“You couldn’t have held a pie and panties? Weak story,” Rosa said. “The real Captain America would see through that shit.”

“He is the real Captain America, and he obviously was hungry for what I was offering,” Gina said. She took another triumphant bite. “Once inside, I offered him a piece of my pie, and he accepted. That’s right, friends and countrymen-- you are eating Captain America’s leftovers. I have blessed us all.”

No one looked impressed, and Amy started to say something polite, but Gina just gathered up her pie and said, “I’m eating America’s cooties all by myself, thank you very much,” and flounced off.

*

Over the next week, Gina:

1\. Set her ringtone to a vintage recording of “Star Spangled Man With a Plan” and then _turned her ringer on_. Amy found herself humming the song even when Gina managed to go three minutes without her phone going off.  
2\. Began wearing vintage dresses that she claimed captured the pre-war aesthetic that Baby Captain America would have imprinted on as the ideal, to further solidify herself in his mind as the perfect catch  
3\. Skipped her Wednesday dance practice in favor of taking a self-defense class called Black Widow’s Bite, taught by a Black Widow impersonator who taught moves all proven to have been used by the real Black Widow, because Cap and Black Widow were BFF and if Gina wanted to hit that she needed to be able to actually hit.

Something obviously had to be done.

Amy called an emergency staff meeting when Gina went on her 9:15am break, knowing Gina disappeared for at least half an hour at that point.

“Guys,” she said once everyone had gathered in the conference room, “I think we all need to talk about the Gina situation.”

“I thought this was a real meeting,” Jake said, scowling. “Ames, you lied to me. I could have been napping!”

“You just got to work,” Amy told him firmly. “No naps!”

“Also isn’t Gina your best friend?” Rosa asked.

“Bite your tongue, harlot! Jake Peralta has but one best friend, and we all know it’s me!” Boyle said, affronted. Rosa rolled her eyes. Jake looked shifty.

“Back on topic,” Amy announced, straightening her notecards. She hadn’t yet organized a binder on the situation, unfortunately. “Gina seems to seriously think that her neighbor is Captain America, and that she’s going to seduce him. How do we help?”

“By letting it crash and burn, obviously,” Rosa said. “Meeting over.”

“Meeting _not_ over!” Amy said quickly, before anyone could stand up. “Gina has changed her _style_ over this man and I’m concerned! I think we need to go undercover and investigate.”

“Amy, I have never been so turned on,” Jake announced, wide-eyed. “Dibs on undercover!”

“Don’t you already go to Gina’s apartment all the time?” Terry asked, looking less than impressed with the entire meeting. “Why don’t you just ask to meet her neighbor? No investigation required.”

“That’s so boring though,” Jake whined. “Amy, tell him.”

“Well,” Amy said, reluctant to admit she’d overlooked an inside source. “I mean. Terry does have a point. There’s a lot of crime that we should investigate. Everything’s gone downhill since aliens attacked, and I mean. We have to keep vigilantes from doing our job and causing downsizing.”

“Nah, superheroes keep trashing shit and creating more villains,” Rosa said, picking at her nails with a knife. “Bring ‘em on. Job security.”

“What’s the long-term plan, though?” Terry asked. “Do we tell this dude to just date Gina already, or do we secretly bribe him to leave his apartment, or what?”

“What if it is Captain America?” asked Scully. 

Everyone stared at him.

“There’s no way that Captain America lives in Gina’s crappy apartment building,” Boyle said. “Captain America lives somewhere with heated floors and an aviary for his collection of bald eagles.”

“Agreed,” said Rosa.

“Double-agreed,” said Jake. “And there’s a monster-truck garage, too.”

Amy stared at them and decided to let it go. “Okay. So this evening, I will go with Jake to investigate this guy.”

“And then?” Terry asked.

“And then, we reconvene tomorrow and decide once we know what kind of person this Captain America-alike is.”

*

“Act casual,” Jake said, standing in front of Gina’s apartment building.

“You come here all the time,” Amy said, staring him down. “Casual should be your default in this situation!”

“I usually casually call first!” Jake said defensively. “You know how Gina hates surprises!”

Amy stared at him. Gina loved surprises. Gina regularly requested surprise parties and had sent out memos to the whole department to that effect. 

“Okay, okay, okay,” Jake said. “You just realize that Gina’s wrath is going to be epic when she figures out that we’re doubting her word, right? Like, she doesn’t care whether or not she’s lying, she just wants to be believed.”

“We’re looking out for her best interests,” said Amy resolutely. “Also I’m proving that she is not seducing the actual Captain America. He would never.”

“He would, too,” Jake said loyally, looking around as if thinking Gina had the place bugged. “Also, ha! I totally knew you were motivated by something other than concern for Gina!”

“You did not,” Amy said, knowing Jake was easily distracted by a good kindergarten-style argument.

“Did so,” Jake said. 

“Did not.”

“Did so times _infinity_ ,” Jake said triumphantly.

Amy held her hands up. “You got me!”

“Damn right I did.” Jake preened.

“Okay, let’s go,” Amy said, spying someone getting buzzed into the building. She and Jake slid in behind her, following her to the lobby and to the elevators.

“Be cool,” Jake whispered.

The red-haired woman they’d followed turned her head, staring at them suspiciously.

“...is the name of my favorite Travolta movie,” Jake finished with a tinge of desperation. “How ‘bout you, Ames?”

“Definitely Grease,” Amy said. “Musicals are so hip.”

The woman blinked several times, and then turned around, clearly writing them off as morons.

Jake gave her a surreptitious thumbs up. Amy crinkled her nose back at him, because Jake was being a moron. They did _actual_ stakeouts and undercover work all the time without any of this nervous nonsense. Something was up. 

The elevator finally arrived, and Amy realized they were going to have to share with the suspicious lady. Amy tried to fall back, wait on the next one, but Jake bounded into the elevator with all the energy of a golden retriever puppy.

Amy tried to edge them as far away from the woman as possible, but she had positioned herself in the corner warily, and Jake had planted himself firmly in the center of the car, because he thought that spot felt the most like a carnival ride.

Surely Jake could make it through without saying anything extremely conspicuous and suspicious.

“So after the stakeout you wanna get tacos from that one truck?” Jake asked, his voice echoing loudly through the elevator.

Amy blinked a few times then tried to save face. “Yes, Detective, after the stakeout at somewhere that isn’t here we’ll get street tacos.”

She was pretty sure the woman was snickering into her jacket. 

“Cool, because the good truck is back in business. They had to buy new tires after the unfortunate fireworks incident.”

“That happens,” Amy said, wondering how long a single elevator ride could possibly be. Especially when everyone was going to the same damn floor.

“Gina claims innocence, though,” Jake said, looking doubtful. “I tried not to dig, because what kind of loser arrests their best friend for something awesome like fireworks? But she knew an awful lot of details about the incident.”

“ _Gina_ was--- nevermind. Plausible deniability. Tell me nothing,” Amy said.

The woman was _definitely_ laughing at them, openly now.

They exited the elevator, and Jake tugged Amy off to the right, instead of in the direction of Gina’s apartment. The redheaded woman kept sauntering off to the left. 

“So I don’t know if it’s just the whole Captain America thing or what,” Jake hissed, “but I”m pretty sure that was the Black Widow in the elevator.”

“No way,” Amy said immediately, then thought back. The woman _had_ looked an awful lot like Natasha Romanoff, now that she thought about it. “That totally can’t be true. And is that why you were saying all those weird things about the taco truck?”

“Amy, you know I’m a nervous babbler,” Jake said. “It was like ninety percent of our courtship.”

Amy remembered things a little differently but she had bigger battles to wage. “If that was Black Widow, why didn’t we follow her?”

“Because I had to see if I was being infected by Gina’s Avengers-mania or not!” Jake hissed back. “I didn’t expect you to believe me!”

“I don’t!” Amy said. “But I think we should keep all options open.”

“Oh god, the Black Widow thinks Be Cool is my favorite John Travolta movie,” Jake said, horror-struck. “It’s Face/Off!” He turned and yelled down the hallway, “It’s Face/Off!”

“It’s okay, honey, if Gina really is seducing Captain America we’ll have her get the message across,” Amy said, patting Jake on the arm reassuringly. “Let’s go.”

They walked totally normally down the hall, not doing anything suspicious at all. Amy knew because she kept checking behind them and around the corners, and Jake kept his amble perfectly at John Wayne levels. 

They reached Gina’s apartment without passing anyone by, and there was no sign of the possible Black Widow. “Did she disappear?” Jake asked, looking around. “Do they have the technology?”

“She probably went inside an apartment,” Amy said, though she kind of wondered herself. The Avengers did improbable things on the regular. _Could_ they just disappear? 

Surely not.

Jake knocked on Gina’s door in a specific pattern. 

“Was that ‘Under Pressure?’” Amy asked.

“Uh, no, it was ‘Ice Ice Baby,’” Jake said. “Obviously.”

After a few long moments, Gina popped her head out. “Not now, you imbeciles!”

“Um,” Amy said, not expecting that response. “Hi, Gina? We thought we could hang out?”

“I am busy,” Gina said, not making any move to open the door any further. “Go away.”

“Are you busy or _gettin’ busy_ ,” Jake asked, pointing at Gina’s hair, which was askew. “Gina Linetti, you tramp!”

“I am at a very important juncture in my Seduce America plan,” Gina said, “and I need you two to get the hell out of here.”

“Wait, so this supposed Captain America is in there right now?” Amy asked, trying to peer around Gina’s hair into the apartment. It was futile.

“Cap is about to get his stars spangled, if you know what I mean,” Gina said, “just as soon as you two scram.”

Then she slammed her door shut.

“Pics or it didn’t happen!” Jake yelled at the door. There was no response.

He shrugged and turned to Amy. “Taco time?”

Amy thought that they could probably wait at the end of the hall and wait for Supposed Captain America to leave, but she’d listened to enough of Gina’s conquest stories to know it might be a while. “Taco time,” she agreed.

*

At the briefing the next morning, held when Gina went off to find an example of ‘the world’s most perfect sprinkle-to-donut ratio,’ Amy stood at the head of the group and presented with extreme panache (aka with a laser pointer, Jake was truly a bad influence) her five-point plan.

“Since Jake and I were unfortunately deterred from our investigation--” she began.

“Gina slammed the door on us,” Jake announced.

“I have a new plan for discovering the identity of Gina’s mystery lover,” Amy said. “There is an infinitesimal chance that it is, in fact, Captain Steve Rogers, American Legend.”

“Wait,” Rosa said. “I thought that Gina was full of it.”

“So did we,” Jake said, “until we shared an elevator with the _Black Widow_.”

Scully and Hitchcock gasped dramatically. Terry looked skeptical. Rosa flat-out snorted.

Doyle, on the other hand, clapped his hands delightedly. “Did you get her autograph?”

“She’s a super-spy,” Jake said, rolling his eyes. “Super spies don’t give autographs. That’s just dumb.”

“We don’t know for sure it was her,” Amy said loudly, trying to drown out Jake. “All we know is that a red-headed woman of similar height and build to the Black Widow got off the elevator on Gina’s floor and disappeared.”

“She was also mega-hot like Black Widow,” Jake added. He shrugged at Amy’s eyeroll and said, “You noticed too, don’t even front about it.”

“Was she?” Terry asked.

All eyes were on Amy when Captain Holt entered the room. “I didn’t authorize this briefing.”

“Um,” Amy said. “Sorry, sir, it’s just this… team-building exercise we’re doing.”

“Do share,” Captain Holt said, crossing his arms.

“Amy’s about to tell us if she saw the Black Widow in Gina’s elevator,” Rosa said, the snitch. Amy only just stopped herself from telling her what she thought of that.

“Gina claims she’s seducing her neighbor, Captain America,” Amy said instead. “So we were investigating. We thought it was BS but there was a potential Black Widow sighted in proximity to the alleged Captain America apartment.”

“Oh!” Jake said suddenly. “We’re cops!”

“Yes?” Rosa said. “And?”

Captain Holt said nothing, but gestured for Jake to continue.

“We can look up who rented the apartment next to Gina’s!” Jake said triumphantly.

“If I agree to this,” Captain Holt said, “will you all stop using the NYPD’s time on this nonsense?”

“Yes,” they all chorused.

Captain Holt silently walked towards his office. After a split-second, they all leapt up and ran after him like a particularly clumsy flock of ducklings.

Soon after, Captain Holt read off his computer, “The apartment was leased by one Maria Hill.”

“That’s not Steve Rogers,” Jake said, disappointed.

“Boo,” Rosa said.

“Wait,” Amy said. “Cross-reference that name with the leaked S.H.I.E.L.D files that hit the internet a few years ago.”

Captain Holt _hmm_ ed and did so.

“Holy crap,” Rosa said.

“No way,” Jake gasped.

“Gina’s boning Captain freakin’ America!” Amy couldn’t believe it.

“Unbelievable!” Terry added. “And improbable!”

It was at that moment that they all heard Gina calling from the bullpen, “Hidey-ho, plebes, I’ve found the most glorious donut in all the land!”

“What do we do?” Amy hissed.

“I don’t know! Boyle, you boned her, what do we do?” Jake asked, turning to Boyle.

“Oh my god,” Boyle said. “I’m sexually related to Captain America. Give me a moment, I have to take a mental snapshot of this feeling.”

“Well, that’s unhelpful,” Jake said.

Gina, apparently not noticing that the entire precinct was crammed into Captain Holt’s office, danced her way to her desk and began to eat her donut in a way that could only be described as lascivious. 

“I suggest your first action is to remove yourselves from my office,” Captain Holt said. “There is an odor.”

“Not it,” said Scully, which was its own answer.

They all filed out of the office, staring at Gina. She didn’t even notice.

“Oh no,” Jake hissed. “She’s broken.”

“Gina,” Amy said loudly. “How did the star spangling go?”

Gina drew her attention away from the donut and looked at them. “Phenomenally, of course. I am an artist.”

“So you’re really banging Captain America?” Rosa asked.

“I was successful in that endeavor, yes,” said Gina. “But a lady does not kiss and tell.”

“Terry respects that,” said Terry, “but you gotta give us some details. What’s his workout routine? Can he do this?” Terry flexed his pecs.

“His breasts are as magnificent as yours, dear Terry,” Gina said. “And with that, much like the Go-Gos, my lips are sealed. So go-go.” She waved them away.

They obediently scattered before Gina could bust out her spray bottle of stink-water. No one had discovered its recipe but the stench was legendary, and Gina was ruthless with its use.

“Okay,” Jake whispered to Amy when they were safely at their desks. “That was weird.”

“I know,” Amy whispered back. “Remember when she slept with Boyle? She told us more about that than sex with Captain America.”

Jake’s eyes widened. “What if Captain America is bad at sex? What if I’m better at sex than Captain America? Quick, Amy, go have sex with Captain America then make one of your powerpoint presentations telling everyone I’m better at bumping nasties than he is!”

“Ew,” Amy said reflexively, because Jake _knew_ how she felt about that term, and then she got a little distracted contemplating having sex with Captain America. It couldn’t be bad. It couldn’t be! “We should ask Gina. Probably without the entire precinct tagging along.”

“Good plan,” Jake said, then made a megaphone with his hands. “Hey, Gina! I wanna talk to you alone!”

“Very subtle, Jake,” Amy said.

Gina had finished her donut and ambled over. “Jakey-Jake, what’s the sitch?”

“Evidence room in five minutes,” Jake said.

“Be there or be square,” Amy added, and ducked her head when Jake and Gina gave her an identical look of derision. 

*

Evidence Room, Five Minutes Later:

“So I bet you wonder why I’ve called you all here today,” Jake said, steepling his fingers.

Gina looked around. “Why are you being weird? Spit it out, Peralta.”

“I’m being weird because _you’re_ being weird, weirdo,” Jake said. Amy nodded her support. “You slept with Captain America and you didn’t throw a parade. You’ve been working towards this for almost a full week! That’s months in Gina-time! I have been fully expecting fireworks and a marching band and a banner announcing you’d taken a national icon to bone-town!”

Gina sighed and propped herself up on the table. “I’m disappointed in myself too. I didn’t even do the dance number I had choreographed. It was to ‘Whoomp There It Is’ and it was _magical_.”

“It was that bad? Dish!” Amy said, leaning forward. This was the kind of gossip that could get her into some of the more prestigious book clubs. Maybe even one hosted by _librarians_.

“It was adequate,” Gina said. “He’s beautiful enough to make angels weep, which helps a lot. Pretty basic set of moves, though I could fix that with a few lessons. No, the problem is not sexual chemistry.” Gina sighed dramatically. “The problem is that he smells exactly like my dearly departed grandpa.”

“Grandpa Linetti?” Jake said. “The one who kept his teeth in his pocket for special occasions?”

“The one and the same. It’s extremely off-putting, to have a national icon inside you and to only be able to think of Grandpa.” Gina shook her head. “I have to dump him.”

“Do you have to?” Jake whined at her. “I mean. It’s Captain America! Probably he hit it and quit it already, you know?”

Gina held up her phone silently, where there were four missed texts from someone labelled The Pursuit of Happiness.

“Oh,” said Amy. “Well. I mean. He is a century old. Maybe you could buy him new soap? Or only have shower sex?”

Gina shook her head. “Not risking it. It was horrifying. I kept expecting his shiny perfect teeth to just pop right out.”

“Captain America is a century old,” Jake said wonderingly. “Do you guys realize what this means? He’s a _time traveler_. God, he’s cool. And probably worse at sex than me. Today is awesome!”

Amy shook her head. “How do you break up with _Captain America?_ Gina, you have to be gentle! The man has been through so much already.”

“I am going to be so gentle,” Gina said. “So gentle, in fact, it’ll be like I’m not there at all.” She smiled at them brightly.

*

“This is such a bad idea,” Amy said, staring at Captain America’s apartment door. “Jake, we can still walk away. Let Gina handle this.”

“Amy, you know perfectly well we can’t let that happen to this man,” Jake said seriously, staring at the door with equal dread. “Gina would tear him to shreds. We have to leave the man with some dignity.”

They both took several deep breaths. 

“Are you going to knock?” asked Amy.

“I thought you would,” Jake said. 

“Rock, paper, scissors?” Amy suggested.

They were in the midst of their fourth round (all ties, all rock) when the door swung open to reveal Steve Rogers.

Amy froze mid-count, her fist held in the air. Jake continued his turn and said, “Ha! Paper beats rock!” before realizing that Captain America was staring at them in confusion.

Jake slapped his hand to his heart and started reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Amy whispered out of the corner of her mouth, “Jake. Jake. Jake. Stop it. Jake, he’s not a flag.”

Jake did not stop. Jake said the whole pledge. Captain America did not seem to know what to do. Amy didn’t know what to do. Finally Jake finished, and Captain America started to slowly swing his door shut again.

“Wait!” Amy said, waving her hands. “We’re not weirdos! We’re cops!” She pointed to her badge on her belt. “And we know Gina!”

Cap paused, door still mostly ajar. “What do you want?”

“Can we come in?” Amy asked. She didn’t think she should secondhand dump Captain America in the hall. It seemed gauche.

Cap glanced behind him, then opened the door fully and let them inside.

Amy looked around curiously because this was an Avenger’s apartment, but it looked like every other apartment she’d ever been in. Nothing extraordinary at all. It was a little disappointing. Then Black Widow and Falcon stepped out of the kitchen and Amy made a tiny squeaking noise.

“Look! Ames, look, I totally got it right,” Jake hissed, his voice echoing loudly in the apartment. Black Widow looked amused. “We totally did spot Black Widow!”

Falcon raised an eyebrow at her and she rolled her eyes good-naturedly. Amy realized Cap was still staring at them and that she hadn’t introduced herself. “Um. I’m Detective Amy Santiago and this is Jake Peralta,” she said, voice barely quivering. “We work with Gina.”

“Told you she’d blab,” Falcon told Cap. “That girl is not trustworthy.”

“Gina is a gift,” Jake said loyally. “Besides, she just told us, and we’re all cops. We’re basically superheroes. I’ve arrested like, so many bad guys.”

“Yeah, me too,” said Amy. She crossed her arms in front of her in a way that she hoped looked badass.

From the reactions, she could tell she missed. She dropped her arms back down to her sides.

Cap responded by crossing _his_ arms, and… yeah, Amy definitely missed. She was never pulling that move ever again. “What’s this about?”

“Well, you see, Mr. Rogers,” Jake began, before his eyes widened and he said in a low, awed voice, “Wait, are you related to _the_ Mr. Rogers? That would be so cool. Nevermind, don’t tell me, I want to pretend it’s true. So the thing is Gina is my best friend. I’ve known her my whole life.”

“And you’re here to tell us what a great girl she is,” Falcon said. “That’s kind of sweet, actually.”

“Actually,” Amy jumped in, “the opposite? I think you should cut and run, to be honest. Gina’s awful.”

“Awfully special,” Jake said, glancing over at her. “Ames, she is our friend.”

“But--” Amy said, glancing wildly at the superheroes, who were clearly fascinated. “It’s _Gina_. One time she convinced me I should frost my tips and then took blackmail pictures when I actually did!”

“Wait, you had frosted tips? Where were they when I frosted my tips? We could have been twinsies, Amy, this is deeply upsetting me,” Jake said.

“It was when you were undercover with the mob,” Amy whispered back.

“You’re considered competent enough to go undercover?” said Black Widow, clearly holding in some serious laughter.

“I busted the hell out of that case, thank you very much,” Jake said. “Even with all the old dude kisses. And I happen to be one of the NYPD’s top detectives.”

Cap cut in. “So you’re telling me that your friend is…”

“Is definitely going to eat you alive if you don’t ice her,” Jake said. “I mean. Poor choice of words, sorry. But seriously. Cold shoulder all the way.”

“You guys realize that my man Steve here’s a gentleman and is incapable of doing that, right?” Falcon said. 

Amy and Jake looked at each other, then did a little huddle near the door so they could change their game plan. “Plan Soaring Eagle is a failure,” Jake whispered. “Plan Apple Pie?”

“I liked Plan Freedom Rings,” Amy whispered. 

They both peeked at Cap. He had his eyebrow raised at them. 

“Oh man, he has super-hearing, doesn’t he? How cool!” Jake hissed. They broke the huddle.

“So the thing is,” Amy began, then glanced at Jake to continue.

“The thing is,” he said, and then moved closer and patted Cap on the shoulder. “This is really hard for us. There was a statue of you in front of my school!”

“There was not,” Amy said. “I’ve seen your old school.”

“There was a statue,” Jake amended, “that someone put an American flag bikini on and we all _called_ it Captain America, and I really respected that statue’s bold choices.”

Amy was pretty sure that Falcon was recording them on his phone. Black Widow looked delighted, which was kind of terrifying.

Cap just raised his eyebrow at them. So talented. So beautiful. She almost got caught up in staring at him.

“So the thing is,” Jake tried again. “Oh Captain, My Captain.” He patted Cap on the shoulder again.

Amy was so proud of him.

“Amy, you’re such a bad influence on me,” Jake hissed, “I just quoted Lord Byron.”

“That wasn’t--” Amy started before letting it go. It was the right century, after all. “Just do it.”

“Gina doesn’t want to see you anymore,” Jake said in a rush.

Cap blinked, clearly confused.

“It’s not you, it’s her!” Amy said desperately. “Well. I mean. It’s kind of you, but only in an olfactory sort of way. Not personality.”

“Oh my god,” she heard Falcon say. “Today is the best day ever. I told you opening the door to strange people was a great idea, Nat, this is gold.”

“She thinks I stink?” Cap said, clearly confused.

“She thinks you smell like her Grandpa Linetti, who was like a hundred years old and… I mean. No offense to centenarians, but you have to understand it was a very confusing sensory experience for her,” Amy said. 

“There are other fish in the sea,” Jake said reassuringly, patting Cap on the bicep this time. He kept patting, giving Amy a ‘this is so amazing!’ look. Eventually Cap took a sliding step away from him.

“We’ll just… go away, now,” Amy offered, grabbing Jake by the arm and pulling him towards the door. “Sorry about the getting dumped, Captain America. Better luck next time!”

“Thanks?” he said, though thankfully he looked more thoughtful than offended. As Amy pushed open the door she heard him asking the other superheroes, “Is this why all the girls in Brooklyn stay away from me?”

“Thank you for the entertainment!” she heard Falcon yell at them as she shut the door behind her.

She looked at Jake. “That went… not like I thought it would.”

“I forgot to ask for Black Widow’s autograph,” Jake said. “I wanted to see if my theory was correct!” He raised his hand as if to knock again, but thought better of it. “Probably better give him some time first, right?”

“Right,” Amy said, leading Jake away. She had a feeling that Cap wasn’t going to live in Gina’s building for long. “Next time, you can ask.”


End file.
